This year, I received two things I could only wish for in the past months. Not to the point of being ungrateful or greedy or whatever, but for the past two months or so there has been a resounding sadness in my life. And for the past months, I can’t figure out the reason for this sadness. Until last week, I was talking to a friend and I don’t know how but I figured out that what exactly is making me sad.

At some point, I thought my sadness is due to lack of a boyfriend, of a romantic relationship that someone of my age is expected to have. This is understandable, I told myself, there is nothing to worry about. Then again, in my deepest of heart, I know that it is not the real reason. I do not have a boyfriend for years now and though it bothered me, the absence of a romantic relationship never made me feel empty.

So when my friend mentioned a name, my empty heart woke up, my heart jumped and I don’t know how it could possibly feel like I was actually whole again. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I never acknowledged my feelings for this person so I can’t remember when and how it really started. Gosh, I always told myself to actually move on from the k-ryptonite. Come to think of it, I always pictured out moving on with this person. I have believed for the longest time that he will always be there like how he has been for the past three years.

The emptiness is not due to the lack of a relationship, the emptiness is due to the absence of a person I never acknowledged to have existed. I was brokenhearted without knowing I was. And it hurts, not just in the whole body like before, it hurts even to my soul. So how do I get by? I still don’t know.

I hope this ‘acknowledgment’ will help. I hope it will just go away. I hope I wouldn’t feel this empty anymore. I could only hope.


Goal: Indifference

Believe me, there was a million attempt not to write this entry. Writing this means that I was defeated by how I felt for you… again. There are many reasons why I do not want to entertain the thoughts of you again. For one, I am completely sure that I am over you, I am over whatever it is that I thought we had. Also, why should I waste energy typing and thinking words that would never fully describe my once crazy self? But you know, I have a few minutes and some energy to spare, so why not?

Since last week, I was going cray-cray again looking for answers for the questions I do not know how to ask. I messaged H, told her what I was going through. She told me that this is normal. Once in a while, you remember persons, feelings, and you would want to see them or you would seek answers for questions which are already answered but you would prefer to hear another one. And I think these are all true, two days or so, I totally forgot the longing to hear the answers for the questions I always wanted to ask you.

Today, I got a text from a very dear friend that she saw you. She described how you looked today. And she described you well. My heart skipped a beat just reading your name. This is not a good sign. Ugh! Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ang tanga mo, ang tanga-tanga mo.

The katangahan lasted for an hour or two then I recovered. You were again just somebody that I used to know. Somebody who made me happy smile when my whole world was falling apart. That was it. Maybe it will be like this my entire life whenever I’ll hear your name- my heart will stop for a second, there will be longing, then anger, then I’ll just forget it all over again. But I still pray for that day when I’ll read/hear your name and I will not feel anything, I will just be indifferent.

I may have been a step closer to being the superwoman I always wanted to be, but you… YOU. ARE. STILL. MY. KRYPTONITE.

1/3 of Entirely New Post: July-October 2016

In my “2016, done!” post, I made mention of three milestones in 2016 that needs an entirely new post. I made countless attempts to write them but I failed. Everything is still overwhelming. Hopefully, this post makes some sense despite the flood of emotions I am feeling while writing this.

July-October 2016: Pre-bar Review season.

My pre-bar review and lectures started third week of May but my “real” review started only on July 1.  Why “real” review? Did I fake reviewed on May and June? Really, no. But I was still working on those months. I filed my resignation last week of May because I went through ping-pongs of what ifs and doubts. I knew then that I had to focus on the review and resign but my pessimist self needed to have a plan b. What if I resigned and failed, where do I pick up myself? Also, at around the same time, my team in the office was going through rough transition. And these are my friends and I don’t want to cause them any more trouble than what they were already going through. I also had to consider my finances, how I will support myself and all.

Things eventually fell into place. With the support of my family and my officemates, I decided to resign. They just wanted me to focus on the exams and let go whatever doubts I had. So I rendered my 30 days notice until end of June. First day of July, I started reviewing without any other thing on my mind.

I was at awe with how much time I had. It felt too short to actually plan a number of readings but it also felt too long knowing that I won’t be doing anything except to read. My study plan, as advised by my lawyer friends, is to study in the morning until evening and to have a complete eight hours of sleep at night.

  • 7am- wake up, take a bath, breakfast
  • 8am- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 10am- coffee break
  • 10:15am- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 12nn- lunch break
  • 1pm- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 3pm- nap
  • 3:30pm- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 6pm- rosary, dinner, real-life interaction
  • 7pm- Cooling off reading
  • 10pm- Sleep

Since I enrolled in a pre-bar review, there are days when I have to attend lectures. I needed to squeeze in 5 hours of lecture time in the schedule I had planned.

Ugh! The first week is a struggle. My mind was trained to do office work in the morning and to study in the evening. And since I just resigned, I wanted to sleep all day. So random days, I had to adjust my daily schedule because at 6pm, I was able to read 4pages only. Plus I did not factor in cellphone time which is a big chunk of my everyday.

After three weeks, I found myself getting used to the routine. I did not look forward to the coffee break or nap time. I was able to finish the target number of pages I had for the day. I leave my phone on a side I would not be checking it. I was very hopeful that with the rate I was going, I can do another round of readings. I am very, very wrong.

Around September, I wanted to start on my second reading. But I was too tired. I was very emotional too. I was crying. I almost quit. I am glad that I didn’t. So by this time, I told myself that I need to adjust, again, my study schedule in such a phase that my body would allow. By mid September, I got my groove back. I enjoyed studying on my own and attending lectures (only those I think I need).

It is also around these months that I asked for divine intercession. I went to St. Padre Pio in Batangas with Nanay and Tatay. The whole family went to Pink Sisters in Tagaytay. Angel, Jill and I attended mass in St. Jude. Owie and I went to Our Lady of Manaoag, commute, without us knowing how to. The fambam likewise went to Letran so we can all pray that Our Lady of La Naval would help me during those times. I tried hard to go to UST Church everyday. Every Sunday, I pray to St. Agustine in our parish. I prayed that I will be healthy and ready for the big B.

Until now, I am very humbled knowing that I survived those months. I know it was all through God’s grace and the intercession of the Saints in heaven. I know that the people around me got me through each day.

These months, they led me to November, to the big B… That is another story I will be posting! 🙂

Dear God,

I don’t know what lies ahead of me in the coming days really. I am hopeful. I am grateful. I am in awe of how beautiful things unfold right before my eyes.

I am the least deserving person in the universe. I know. My hardship and the other struggles I went through and still going through will never compare to Jesus dying in the cross. But dear God, your unending grace does not count my imperfections nor my weakness.

I humbly pray dear God for the ultimate “period” in this journey. I need not write about this exactly cause I know that you are listening to my heart as I type this. And I know in my deepest of heart, you will bless me with this.

Thank you Lord for the unending grace! I have my whole life to pay it forward and to be forever thankful.




My life is literally on halt since end of November. I went back to my old job, reconnected with old friends and stayed in touch with few people. Life for me is about taking leaps of faith, facing consequences of your decisions good or bad, and actually living the way you wanted it.

Yes, my entire life is not one for the books. It is not one would dream about. It is not dramatic enough for a telenovela nor it is adventurous enough to be wanted by millenials. But it has always been under my control. Of course, only those which can be humanly controlled. But the past months, I have not been making any decision. It is so bad I can’t even have a haircut (oh my!! On my first year in law school I have been cutting my hair like twice a week just because).

The people closest to my heart knows the reason why. I have been waiting for a life changing news for months now. And the agony of waiting is killing me to the bones. And I have never wanted to control something this bad in my entire existence.

Waiting has never been my strong point. Right now, I am getting wallowed up by all these things. But my faith in God and His grace is getting me through each day, each minute really.


For a long time, I am convinced that I will never fall in love again. I know that it doesn’t seem like it in my posts. I am always hopeful for a new beginning. But I know the difference between hoping and reality. I throw myself in a pit, a pit that I created. How I always believe that you only get one “one” and even if the “one” for that person is not you, still there is no chance of finding another one.

Most of my posts here talked about my struggles on how to move on from a certain person, a person that was never mine to start with. And yet, I gave the best love I am possible of giving to that person. It took me one year to accept it will never be, two years that there can never be and three years to let go of what could have been. But until now, that almost thingy we had was the deepest scar in my love battles.

“You would never give that same kind of love again. Never.” I commanded myself.

Sure, I would have crush on someone every now and then, but to actually fall for someone again? I guess not. I am in a pit. And since there is only one “one”, no one could save me from this pit. I am okay with this situation. I was okay with being alone. I was okay. Until one morning, I just realized that I do not need anyone dragging me out of the pit. I could easily climb my way out. So here I am, saying “Hi!” from outside the pit.

Maybe there are multiple ones. Maybe there is no such thing as same love. Maybe I can fall in love again. Maybe not. One thing is for sure though, I am ready to face the maybe. And that one who made me jump off the pit, he is just one of the ones, he was never “the one.”