Maybe Not

For the nth time, I could never emphasize in this page how much summer is my favorite season of the year. And this year, I had a different experience of how my summer unfolded. I went on my first business trip to Australia!! I cannot and would not talk about the work I did there but this almost-one-month-of -just-myself trip changed me in so many ways possible. (I’ll try to write a travel entry of this Australia trip but I’m not confident I have the writing skills for that!) I have started this entry with that introduction because ever since I came back from that trip, there are a million things running through my head. It feels like I lost a part of me or something is missing and I don’t know what is.

When I was there- staying in a hotel, working overtimes, meeting new people, walking around the city, riding trams and trains, not caring about anyone- I found out how much I wanted to find myself and what I truly want to do. I have been living my life in accordance to a norm, a standard, that you know female lawyers at my age should follow. *roll eyes* So when I came back to I needed to be the person that everyone expects me again, myself is a total mess. There are days when I just break down in tears and then laugh my heart out minutes after. There are days when I just want to resign, throw everything away and live a life near the beach, maybe start a notary public somewhere only I will know. There are days when I just want to binge watch dramas I have already seen. But out of all these days, I am most scared of days when I want to just go on with my life, do what needs to be done and stay in the status quo.

I am very, very grateful of all the things that happened and will be happening in my life. I know these are all blessings that I could only pray for some years ago. I am actually living the dream, but why am I not happy?

So I am writing this because I want to understand myself. I want to know what would make my heart smile. I want to know what is missing.

Is it the lack of a stable, long term, relationship? Maybe not. I have been fine with myself all this time. And this is a choice I have been choosing because I am too afraid and too traumatize to love again.

Is it my job? Do I need something more challenging? Maybe not. I have so many reasons to leave my job but it really makes me happy. I love and hate it that I’m doing corporate practice at the same time.

Is it my group of friends? Maybe not. I have strong inner circle. They have never failed me even once.

Is it my family? Maybe not. My family is the best thing that I have in my life.

Is it my self, my very unlovable self? Maybe. I. hope. not. Maybe, yes.



Yes to awesome 2018!

I have been trying to write a “new year” entry every year. As a sort of tradition, let me first look back at how 2017 unfolded for me.

January – Went back to the office with a hopeful heart.

February – April – Long agony of waiting, which should trace back to Nov 2016 really.

May – Passed the bar exam. Took the lawyer’s oath. Signed the roll of Attorneys. 🙂

June – Series of celebrations. Went to Boracay with batch mates.

July – Renewed love for Kdramas.

August – First major crossroad but I chose to stay.

September – Got promoted in the office.

October – Finally admitted to myself that I am in love.

November – Lola Femeng passed away. 😦

December – Back to the crossroads again.

2017 could have the best year ever but Me passed away so it is far from it. But I am very thankful for all the blessings that my family and friends had for this year. It was an amazing year and it is because of God and God alone. For this year, I am looking forward to spending more time with the people who matters. Also, I plan to love myself a little bit more and a little bit more.

Hey 2018, be awesome!

2/3 of Entirely New Post: My Heart Is Still Full

This is a long overdue thank you post I have been wanting to write since deliberation day in law school (which is May 2016, I’m bad I know!!). Not that I have been less thankful as each day pass by, I cannot write because my heart is so full of emotions that I feel like I cannot think of a word, a phrase or a sentence to capture how I am really feeling.

It was in May 2016 when I learned that I will be graduating from law school. It was five years of sweat and tears as a working student. How could have I done it? I was at awe. Until this day, I still cry when I remember sending a text message to my Nanay, Tatay and my brother saying “graduate na tayo!” Graduation day was all blur because I was already starting my bar review at that time. The four or so months of bar review was like walking on thorns everyday. I laugh and then I cry then I laugh and cry at the same time. Crazy, right?

Then Novembar came and I was at my lowest of lows. First week was devastating. Second week was haunting (Civ is still haunting me until this day). Third week was heart breaking. Fourth (and last week at last) was surrendering everything to some One bigger than any one of us. My biggest surprise is to see my whole family in the Salubong. I am having the chills again just remembering that.

These things all led to the day that the bar exam results came out. I might need another post just to detail how that day unfolded for me. It was a roller coaster of emotions. And until that day, I never knew that I was capable of being that happy.

With that too long of a back story, let me start my sending my thanks and love to the following:

To the Lord Almighty, thank You for giving me just the right amount of everything in my life that made me who I am today. This is all according to His unending grace. To St. Augustine, St. Jude, St. Isidro, St. Padre Pio, Our Lady of Manaoag, Our Lady of La Naval, Pink Sisters, St. Raymond, St. Thomas, St. Pope John Paul and to all the Saints and Blessed in heaven, thank you for the intercession and for praying for me to God.

To my Nanay and my Tatay, thank you for always believing in me and supporting me every step of the way. Getting me through law school is never easy but you never gave up on me. I appreciate all the things you are willing to do for me- preparing my baon, waking up early, ironing my uniform, picking up calls and then letting me cry over the phone, telling me I’ll pass, believing in me when I don’t even believe in myself- the list is endless. To my brother Owie, thank you for always having my back and front and side. Thank you for being whatever I need during the whole bar review. I could not ask for any better brother than you already are.

To UST Law, my professors and the Dean Nilo, thank you for the five years of carino brutal. I will not go back to law school even if I get paid a million for every year that I enrolled. Everything I learned and applied in my bar exams I learned from this institution. I wish I could go on, one by one, with how each of my professor helped me understand the concepts of law but that would take an entirely new post. This is just a general thank you for helping me become a Thomasian Lawyer.

To UP Diliman and the Department of Political Science, thank you for opening my eyes to the real world. Thank you for showing that I should not see things as they are but rather I should see things as how they should be. I know I fail most of the time, but thank you for teaching me that before my self, I should give back to my country. I may have finished my law studies in Espana (Manila) but in my heart malayong lupain akin mang marating, hindi rin magbabago ang damdamin.

To my Ninang Che, thank you for the endless times you re-assured me of your support and love. I was so scared when I resigned to focus on my bar review, but you made me feel safe knowing I could always run to you when I have problem or if anything goes wrong.

To my Revilla family,  thank you for the support and prayers and virtual hugs you sent me. I know that we stormed heaven with prayers. You guys are family to me, always and forever.

To my Santos family, thank you for all the prayers you are sending my way. I appreciate all of it.

To my bestfriend Eman,  thank you for listening to my endless rants. I know I sound crazy most of the time but you listened anyway. Thank you for  sponsoring a part of my hotel fees. I will be grateful for the rest of my life.

To my girleys and boylets and the rest of my high school bunch, thank you for forgiving me for everything I missed and for still loving and supporting  me anyway.

To my DFBF JM, thank you for showing yourself up during the most troubled time of life. I appreciate your messages and all the support you showed me.

To Anj,  thank you for showing up when I needed you most. How could have I survived law school without you? I never want to know.

To JP, thank you for the virtual barops. Thank you for sending some sense in my life. You are always a kuya to me.

To Krae and Hazel, thank you for the friendship that goes beyond being classmates or seeing each other too often. I sent my tears and my smiles through text and chat but I still feel your love just the same.

To Angel, Mila, KC, Leslie, Tel, Mariole and Jill, thank you for bearing with me in our “roommates” escapades. We could have met each other at a different time but it surely is more meaningful having you gals around through five years of law school.

To Alain, Edu, Doy , Jeff and Krem, I am grateful for everything we had to go through together. Law school was so much more fun having you guys around.

To Vic, Chie, Yeh, Nars, Rainier, Leo, Monique and Justice, I am thankful for the fun you added into my crazy law school life.

To 1AA, 2AA, 3AA and 4C and another 4C, thank you for being the best classmates ever! I don’t know why you trusted me to be your class president for two years. But thank you!

To Ate Lovely, Dani and the rest of my MMC family, thank you for letting me take the first step on this working student thing. I found real friends in you mga ‘te.

To my SPD, OJ5, co-RAs and the rest of the AFP friends, thank you for letting me do the things I always wanted to do and paying me for it. Had things gone differently, I would still very much be with you. You are all family to me.

To my team and the rest of Legal GSC, thank you for letting me do my thing and accepting me back like nothing has changed. Your support means the world to me.

To Fr. Henry, thank you for praying me and guiding me to believe in God with all my heart.

To my go to person, thank you for getting me through bar review, bar exams and waiting for the bar results.

To the rest of my friends, my family’s friends, the St. Augustine Parish community and the whole community who raised me and prayed for me, thank you very much!! My whole family is thankful for having you guys in our lives.

To everyone I may have unintentionally missed mentioning here, know that I am thankful and appreciative of all that you have done for me. This is a momentary slip of the mind, not because you are not important, but because I am getting old like that.

Sending you all the love, peace, prayers and happiness from my full heart to yours.



This year, I received two things I could only wish for in the past months. Not to the point of being ungrateful or greedy or whatever, but for the past two months or so there has been a resounding sadness in my life. And for the past months, I can’t figure out the reason for this sadness. Until last week, I was talking to a friend and I don’t know how but I figured out that what exactly is making me sad.

At some point, I thought my sadness is due to lack of a boyfriend, of a romantic relationship that someone of my age is expected to have. This is understandable, I told myself, there is nothing to worry about. Then again, in my deepest of heart, I know that it is not the real reason. I do not have a boyfriend for years now and though it bothered me, the absence of a romantic relationship never made me feel empty.

So when my friend mentioned a name, my empty heart woke up, my heart jumped and I don’t know how it could possibly feel like I was actually whole again. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I never acknowledged my feelings for this person so I can’t remember when and how it really started. Gosh, I always told myself to actually move on from the k-ryptonite. Come to think of it, I always pictured out moving on with this person. I have believed for the longest time that he will always be there like how he has been for the past three years.

The emptiness is not due to the lack of a relationship, the emptiness is due to the absence of a person I never acknowledged to have existed. I was brokenhearted without knowing I was. And it hurts, not just in the whole body like before, it hurts even to my soul. So how do I get by? I still don’t know.

I hope this ‘acknowledgment’ will help. I hope it will just go away. I hope I wouldn’t feel this empty anymore. I could only hope.

Goal: Indifference

Believe me, there was a million attempt not to write this entry. Writing this means that I was defeated by how I felt for you… again. There are many reasons why I do not want to entertain the thoughts of you again. For one, I am completely sure that I am over you, I am over whatever it is that I thought we had. Also, why should I waste energy typing and thinking words that would never fully describe my once crazy self? But you know, I have a few minutes and some energy to spare, so why not?

Since last week, I was going cray-cray again looking for answers for the questions I do not know how to ask. I messaged H, told her what I was going through. She told me that this is normal. Once in a while, you remember persons, feelings, and you would want to see them or you would seek answers for questions which are already answered but you would prefer to hear another one. And I think these are all true, two days or so, I totally forgot the longing to hear the answers for the questions I always wanted to ask you.

Today, I got a text from a very dear friend that she saw you. She described how you looked today. And she described you well. My heart skipped a beat just reading your name. This is not a good sign. Ugh! Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ang tanga mo, ang tanga-tanga mo.

The katangahan lasted for an hour or two then I recovered. You were again just somebody that I used to know. Somebody who made me happy smile when my whole world was falling apart. That was it. Maybe it will be like this my entire life whenever I’ll hear your name- my heart will stop for a second, there will be longing, then anger, then I’ll just forget it all over again. But I still pray for that day when I’ll read/hear your name and I will not feel anything, I will just be indifferent.

I may have been a step closer to being the superwoman I always wanted to be, but you… YOU. ARE. STILL. MY. KRYPTONITE.

1/3 of Entirely New Post: July-October 2016

In my “2016, done!” post, I made mention of three milestones in 2016 that needs an entirely new post. I made countless attempts to write them but I failed. Everything is still overwhelming. Hopefully, this post makes some sense despite the flood of emotions I am feeling while writing this.

July-October 2016: Pre-bar Review season.

My pre-bar review and lectures started third week of May but my “real” review started only on July 1.  Why “real” review? Did I fake reviewed on May and June? Really, no. But I was still working on those months. I filed my resignation last week of May because I went through ping-pongs of what ifs and doubts. I knew then that I had to focus on the review and resign but my pessimist self needed to have a plan b. What if I resigned and failed, where do I pick up myself? Also, at around the same time, my team in the office was going through rough transition. And these are my friends and I don’t want to cause them any more trouble than what they were already going through. I also had to consider my finances, how I will support myself and all.

Things eventually fell into place. With the support of my family and my officemates, I decided to resign. They just wanted me to focus on the exams and let go whatever doubts I had. So I rendered my 30 days notice until end of June. First day of July, I started reviewing without any other thing on my mind.

I was at awe with how much time I had. It felt too short to actually plan a number of readings but it also felt too long knowing that I won’t be doing anything except to read. My study plan, as advised by my lawyer friends, is to study in the morning until evening and to have a complete eight hours of sleep at night.

  • 7am- wake up, take a bath, breakfast
  • 8am- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 10am- coffee break
  • 10:15am- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 12nn- lunch break
  • 1pm- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 3pm- nap
  • 3:30pm- STUDY, STUDY, STUDY!!!
  • 6pm- rosary, dinner, real-life interaction
  • 7pm- Cooling off reading
  • 10pm- Sleep

Since I enrolled in a pre-bar review, there are days when I have to attend lectures. I needed to squeeze in 5 hours of lecture time in the schedule I had planned.

Ugh! The first week is a struggle. My mind was trained to do office work in the morning and to study in the evening. And since I just resigned, I wanted to sleep all day. So random days, I had to adjust my daily schedule because at 6pm, I was able to read 4pages only. Plus I did not factor in cellphone time which is a big chunk of my everyday.

After three weeks, I found myself getting used to the routine. I did not look forward to the coffee break or nap time. I was able to finish the target number of pages I had for the day. I leave my phone on a side I would not be checking it. I was very hopeful that with the rate I was going, I can do another round of readings. I am very, very wrong.

Around September, I wanted to start on my second reading. But I was too tired. I was very emotional too. I was crying. I almost quit. I am glad that I didn’t. So by this time, I told myself that I need to adjust, again, my study schedule in such a phase that my body would allow. By mid September, I got my groove back. I enjoyed studying on my own and attending lectures (only those I think I need).

It is also around these months that I asked for divine intercession. I went to St. Padre Pio in Batangas with Nanay and Tatay. The whole family went to Pink Sisters in Tagaytay. Angel, Jill and I attended mass in St. Jude. Owie and I went to Our Lady of Manaoag, commute, without us knowing how to. The fambam likewise went to Letran so we can all pray that Our Lady of La Naval would help me during those times. I tried hard to go to UST Church everyday. Every Sunday, I pray to St. Agustine in our parish. I prayed that I will be healthy and ready for the big B.

Until now, I am very humbled knowing that I survived those months. I know it was all through God’s grace and the intercession of the Saints in heaven. I know that the people around me got me through each day.

These months, they led me to November, to the big B… That is another story I will be posting! 🙂