Law school ate up my sanity and I am more emotional than usual. Maybe, I am just more tired nowadays than I have been for the past 21 years of my life. Yes, that is what it is, I’m tired. All the people are telling me to slow down and rest and slow down and rest. That simple and I couldn’t even give it to myself. Rest is luxury and I am not entitled to that. For more than three years now, I have taken up responsibility more than I did before that. Not even my efforts on a solo thesis comes close to what I have experienced for that past year, especially the past months and most especially the past week. I am very happy and fulfilled that I am the one who gets to help my family financially. I don’t have anything against that and I won’t ever have to regret that. However, it required me to live away from them, to live on my own.
Gone are the days that I would wake up and the breakfast is ready and Nanay would be shouting loud so that I would get out of bed. Now, I used two alarm clocks to make sure I get to work on time and my body is so used to not having breakfast anymore. When I am in Laguna, my bad days usually end up to be the best days because I have my family to cheer me up and we will just eat the worries away. I can’t do that now. I usually stayed curled up in my bed with the lights out and cry myself to sleep until there I halfheartedly convince myself that I am feeling better. Because of law school, I am more sickly. I have to buy medicines on my own even if I am flaming hot because of fever. I miss them and I always wonder how it would be like if only I could stay with them everyday. I know I can’t.
I have my friends but I don’t want to burden them of my problems. Everyone has his own low point and most of them are having this low point right now too. I should be the better friend and think of them first before being selfish throw them all my frustrations. So I smile when I am with them. I need to stay positive.
This is too petty. I am just tired and I need someone to be there for me. As selfish as this may sound, I just want someone who will think of me first before anyone. I know I can’t have that. I don’t deserve that. I faked my happiness by buying new shoes and getting a scalp massage when all I really want is a long, tight hug from the people that I would exhaust myself to work for. I can’t ask for that. I am not supposed to be weak.