Hello there world wide web! It’s been a while since I last posted something in here. It is because I want to stand by my promise that this year, I will be more positive on my writings. Let’s just say that this past weeks, I have hit rock bottom and as much as I want to write about how that felt, I think that this is the better timing. I am better. I am not okay but I am better.
Lesson learned: You don’t give up on things, you don’t give up on people.
When everything became frustrating, I wanted to escape. I planned on going to Baguio, alone, and feel the cool Baguio breeze in there. Maybe, that will change the way I think and it will blow all my hurt away. Somethings came up and I needed to stay in Manila. Looking at it now, these things that came up provided me an escape. It provided me a whole new world.
This escape is called the UST Dialectics 2012. It is a debate tournament among all the colleges from the University. I am one of the participants who represented Law. This is my first ever debate tournament. All the people in there are perennial debaters. They have formal training. I just have to be thankful that I have Lexi and Myka as my teammates. We finished semi-finalists. I’m proud of us. This whole experience provided me the escape I needed. I didn’t go home to Laguna. I had some alone time. I thought of myself and I just forgot everything that needed not to be remembered.
Somehow, I gained myself back. This has been a constant struggle for me. You know- changing schools, having new friends, adapting to law school- the past months are really about finding that Cielo back. I forgot where exactly I left myself but I want that self back. Loosely, I tie this losing myself to the first (and only) relationship and break up that I had. I only had one boyfriend (yes because you friendzoned me!chos!) and all these insecurities really rooted back then. My ex boyfriend always calls me fat. He always calls me ugly. Up until now, it is how I see myself. Most of the time, I will look at other women and envy them because if only I look that way, everything could be different.
But now, I feel a little good about myself. Maybe, there is a guy out there who could trade a 24 inch waistline for a girl who has a passion for cooking that’s why she’s a little chubby. This guy might also want to overlook some scars of pimples of a girl who only sleeps for two hours just so she could catch up with her law school readings and finish her work at the same time. And maybe, just maybe, there is this guy who would want a law school dean’s lister who looks boring and plain in her black and white corporate uniform for a girlfriend instead of that girl who would make every heads turn.
I just needed a break from my monotonous life. I just wanted to feel that everything is not falling apart. I almost gave up. Luckily, I didn’t. I’m proud to say that I got myself back. That Cielo who graduated high school at the top of her class and passed UPCAT, that Cielo that her friends need whenever they have problem, that Cielo who loves herself before falling for another person, that Cielo that Nanay and Tatay is proud of- that is the Cielo that I see in myself now.
(Okay, just so because many of you are waiting on what happened with the almost lover chuvaness)
Chuck Bass once said (I’m quoting a fictional character hahaha), “You don’t give up on people you love even if the object of your affection is begging you to” and because I am a Chuck fan, I am subscribing on this idea. I can bend into being the friend that he needs, I actually did. We are friends and it is what is more important. My feelings will soon fade. But I got myself a bestfriend. 🙂
So please people, don’t give up on what you love doing. Don’t give up on persons you love. Most of all, don’t give up on yourself. I won’t.