Words

About 9PM of Monday night, I received a text from one of my cousin whom I am not really in speaking terms right now. I was so happy when I saw her name flashed on my phone. The happiness was just for a second because the minute that I read her text, it instantly brought me to tears. My heart was pounding into a million pieces. The hurt is like breaking up times 2million because you love that person like your own sister. Or maybe because you expected too much.

God must really love me because I saw the text when I was still having dinner with Anj. I don’t know what I would have done if she was not there. I was literally going crazy that night. All is just too much. Then, I went back inside UST and instead of going to España directly, I walked around the already dark UST. It was raining. I was wearing my 3inches shoes. I was crying and I was just letting the rain pour on me.

For those who knows what happened, they will claim that I don’t have the right to be hurt. We are not the victim. But really, I am the victim here. I am being judged and hurt by something I didn’t do. And I have to be punished for actually believing that one person who stood by me. I have to be punished for wanting to have a family, a complete one.

I am already going through a lot. I’ve been carrying this family. I have been carrying myself. The most I could do? Cry. And show a strong front. I don’t want people pitying me. But sometimes, it is just all too much.

I’m just thankful that I do not feel so alone anymore. Anj was there even though she was also going through a lot. I have Ninang Che who just listened to my ranting and crying and who assures me that I am still part of that family, their family. Bespren was there, unexpectedly, he knows when I am not fine, without me saying anything. He just knows when to be there.

At the end of the day, I am just thankful that it is me who is experiencing all these things. I would spare my family of any pain I am going through. I did not utter words that would last a lifetime. I only have myself but I know I did not hurt anybody.

 

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