Everything seems like a roller coaster. One minute I am laughing my heart out, the next I am cursing my self for shedding the same amount of tears. Call it quarter life crisis. This is the point when you are so sure of where you want you to go but you do not know how to get there.
Yes, my emotions are unsettling. Worst manifestation was before Sales exam, I cried and cried even while taking the exam. Some may call me maarte. I don’t care. I have to let that one out. Then, I was angry- at myself, at my situation, at cruel people, at the absence of economic stability in the Philippines. I projected to be strong even if my heart is telling me otherwise. After a day or so, I self-pity. Gaaaaaad! I hate the wreck this emotion brings me. I would grab any opportunity to run away and never look back. And, for some unknown reason, I’ll be happy and thankful for everything that I am experiencing. Too much to take in.
Like today, I was on the verge of crying early morning because of a mediocre Property exam result. Yes, I passed. (and the big ) BUT, I used to be on the top of my class!!!! Remember when I got a 97 for my Political Law exam when more than half of the class failed or when I am one of the only two persons in our class who passed ObliCon exam or when I aced my recitation in Criminal Law so bad I can tell the number of blood drops in the crime scene of the many cases that the most terror-est prof of all time gave? Well, I can’t see that Cielo now. I have never been mediocre until now. I am thankful for my Property exam result and I promise that I will do better, so much better, than I am doing now.
Sudden change of mood, I am agitated to study harder. Maybe I have been not exerting the same effort, maybe my change of environment makes adjusting to sophomore law school harder, or maybe I just have to try a little bit harder. And promise, I will! And this leads me to bargaining for everything. Lord, please! I WANT TO PASS ALL OF MY EXAMS! Can You give me this to me, please? I promise I’ll study harder. Just give these exams to me please, please, please!
And in the middle of this all, there you are, you put the good on my mornings with your weirdest messages. I am the proudest *uhm* *uhm**uhm* friend for your 92 in Obli. I know, this is kind of pathetic, but you make me happy and it is all that matters.
So yeah, I am happy and sad and bargaining and hoping and everything in between.