Darkest

The past week has been challenging for me. Well, for one, it is midterms week and I haven’t been sleeping for more than two hours a day. More than the physical and intellectual tiredness, I am emotionally drained. 

Change is something I always get scared of. I don’t like the idea of going from zero to hero or from hero to zero. As control freak as I am, the idea of breaking or creating something chills me to the bones. I like baby steps and  the possibility of exhausting all possible remedies. Fix it if it is broke, then go back to using it again with the assurance that it is stronger while enjoying the familiarity of using it. 

Let’s just say that the past week, I broke my personal standard of going with the flow and slowly coping up with things. Last week, I told something to someone. On my usual self, I would not have done it. I always wait but maybe, just maybe, I know that there is really nothing to wait for this time. It was the last card I have, being honest about all of it, and I did not played it well. 

I have to postpone all this sadness and hurt because it is midterms but at those times when I have to close my books and turn off the lights, that is when I get most vulnerable. How do I get out of this darkness? How do I get myself back? 

This is funny. I expected this and hence I should not be going all through this drama. Never in my imagination had I thought that you will be on the same page as I was, as I still am, but that mathematically insignificant .000000001% of hope get the better of me and took a chance. Now everything just faded in memories even the good ones. 

Inhale. Exhale. 

What we have (or don’t have or will never have) get me through my darkest days. This is one of the best. Everything is so real for me. Even if I know that this is how everything will turn out, I will still go through everything again. Not a single thing had I regret. I did all my possible options and remedies, I would not look back and wonder what could have been. I did everything I can because I know that even just the possibility of what could have been is already worth it. 

I guess this is the part where I pick up the pieces of myself and connect all of it again. Maybe, my new hairstyle and a little make up would help. Maybe, my tons of law school readings would take up all of time away from thinking about everything. Maybe, I can tap myself on the back and tell myself that I am a beautiful person. 

I’m on my darkest. But I’ll get by, slowly, I’ll get by.

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