Should I be quitting facebook?
That is a question I have been asking myself for the longest time now. You know, I always end up hurt after logging in. Either I see you posting something that I don’t want you posting or I see some other friends posting their lives which I always wanted to live. Then I justify maintaining my account because I am the president of our class and it is always easier to information and announcment dissemination. So just like that, I will hit the log-out button instead of deactivate.
Last night was different though. I saw two things, one made me realize that I am totally living a different life now and the other one made me think really hard and made me sad just thinking that it has nothing to do me.
The first thing I saw was the picture of my ex-boyfriend with his, apparently, new girlfriend. Don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. I have longed moved on from our seven year on and off relationship. What we had is so easy to let go because I outgrew it. We started young and the feelings aren’t that real. I loved him in every way possible way I knew of at that time. The relationship was prolonged by texting and calls because I can only count of my fingers the times we had a real date. We dealt with teenage and college problems. When it was time to face the real world, I just didn’t saw him facing that world with me. We are entirely different persons. Our break up made me a better person and I would never regret that I chose to find myself. However, he had a problem with his moving on. I am not saying that he loved me so much more because I always felt like I have given more, but two years after the break-up, he would still constantly text me and update me and tell me he still loves me. Theres a part of me that would like to believe him, until I saw the picture. Honestly, I am so happy for him finding a relationship on his terms. Not the working-law-student-i-am-too-busy-we-can-only-meet-four-times-a-year term I had to impose. It is the realization that he is now happy with someone else while I am still on my own that made my heart skipped a bit.
That relationship brought out the worst, worst in me. It is because of him that I think of myself as not beautiful, as not good enough. It is because of him that I suffered from bulimia. I would not dwell on that though. It is just sad that even on our separate lives, he still get to be happy while I am not.
The second thing is the reason I am not happy now. I saw your fb post which goes something like You say I Love You and fuck behind. I don’t have any idea where the fvck this come from, but there are the magic words that I said to him just recently to him and I don’t know maybe I am still hoping that this post has something to do with me. Because if this post has something to do with someone else, I might just die. It will kill me for you to associate the i love you with anyone else even if there is a fuck word with it. I hate the idea of you being with someone else, this is crazy, but I only want you with me.
And here I go again, I super super miss you! I don’t know how I am still able to breath without you.
So there, I have to let those thoughts out. Maybe, my fake okay will be more convincing. Or maybe I would still be broken, I would not log-in to fb anymore.