I Tried To Run And Never Look Back But Failed

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It has been almost five months. Five long months that we haven’t talked. Of course, there are the random text messages, one liner text messages that I would barely consider talking. Funny because for more than a year, we used to talk everyday the whole day. We text the weirdest thing. We tell each other the things we should not be really telling each other. I remember one time, you were so scared to go to your check-up. You would not admit that you were scared at first. But c’mon, you were calling me right after every instruction that the doctor would tell you. It is way too awkward because apparently you had a UTI and you know what are the body parts involve. I want to laugh at you but I did not because I know you are really scared even if you would not admit it. You read the result of the test you had on the phone as if I will understand what you just read, as if you understood what you just read. What happened? 

We started as friends. I don’t know what happened since that first Saguijo night but it must be a strong force to make me do a 180 degree turn towards my feeling for you. You probably would not remember that December 9 night when you first told me “gusto kita. nahuli ka lang talaga” while we were lying there side by side, fake studying. Ever since, that would keep re-sounding on my head, telling me that there could be no better way than to wait for the right time for you and me. 

The friendship went on deeper. You have to call me bespren. Really lame, but I settled. I learned that I was qualified as a dean’s lister for the previous semester. You were the first person I texted practically because we are already texting when I knew. I still got your congratulatory message saved on my phone. 

Until one day, I had this terrible, terrible problem with my family. You help me get through it. You even told me once that you don’t have to know what is, I need not play strong in front of you, because you will be there for me. My heart melted. You don’t know but I fell for you that exact moment. 

My Christmas was full of crying. But you saved me, just yet again. We had a Christmas dinner and African Sunrise Tea. We talked until Christmas was over. You offered me a pinky promise that one day, when we are both single, we will be together. I hesitated because I know for a fact that I would be serious about it. But we did that pinky promise and that sealed the deal for me. 

The next months turned rough. You went through your own personal crisis. You went and do things on your own. For sometime, you would not even reply to my messages or even smile at me when we passed by each other. I didn’t know what was happening. It kinda devastated me. No, it devastated me. I learned that you chose to make it work with your girlfriend. Making it work with her means totally cutting me off. And there goes the first and second cutting me off. Rough days. 

I said I will be moving on from, uhm, what we don’t have. Friends saw how my hair went from long to a little long to not long. One night, you had some drink as you said on the phone, you explained to me what happened during the rough days. I told you I understood. I’m telling you now, I did not. But telling you I understood is the only way we can still be friends. And everything went smooth again. We had an oblicon day from 9am-3am which was totally worth it. I went to Quezon for the holy week, you told me you missed me already. It may be a lie but I chose to believe it to be true because on the Easter Sunday, you and our friend went to Laguna. You guys met my family. And I feel like I can die of happiness. The next day, you tolerated my Titanic 3D qualm. Then the booklets came and everything just turned into the verge of breaking. We were frowning on a BigBang marathon. We pulled an all-nighter for legal writing and talked afterwards. You told me it might never happen again so I should ask what I want to know. You gave me the same answer “mabagal ka kasi. nahuli ka.” I was expecting that. It should be that. The next day, you showed me how I get to my new work from my new house. We were already inside the jeep but my thoughts were still at what happened the early morning. Priceless. It was all easy and bright. 

Then the third cutting me off. Until now, you haven’t told me the complete reasons why. During one of those nights when I terribly missed you, I gone insane and told you through text that I love you. You replied the weirdest things. It is so weird it would not equate to an i love you too. You invited me to a gig days before my birthday. I was so happy. I had hope. But the hope all faded because you just totally cut me off. Not even text messages to tell me you are okay. I started to pick up the tiny pieces of myself that were scattered, each scattered piece still loves you though. 

One busy lunch time, you called me, your voice on the verge of crying and cursing more than you say words that would make sense. Something happened. And I know that I was one of the few persons who can understand and who knows what really happened. We picked up our friendship from there. Slowly catching up. We were both single then. Once a month beer night. Twice a month beer night. Labor-ing for finals. Almost weekly meet-ups. I separated how I feel for you from our renewed friendship. I was also getting to know other people. Little by little, I don’t know exactly when, I fell for you again. Until our last Flight. That night was magical for me. And no, I am still not strong enough to share it because I fear that the butterflies would be gone if I write about it. Then poof, one week after, you cut me off again. 

For the second time, I told myself not to be weak and told you how I really feel through a letter. You just brushed it off. Until now, I still don’t know where I am at your life exactly. I can’t call this treatment as friends. I wrote this because I want you to know where I am coming from. I do not beg you to give me a chance. I do not tell you this so you would know that I have gone crazy at times because I am not seeing you. I want answers, answers that I deserve. I don’t want to fill in the gaps between what happened then and where I am living now. Most of time, especially now that I am on break with school, I would remember everything that happened and asked myself where did I go wrong? How could you just let everything slip away in an instant? 

I know I am not the physically stunning girl you could display in front of your friends. But hey, I’m not ugly. I earn my own money working for the armed forces. I can cook tastefully. I know how to do the household chores. I like Franco and UDD. I am a soon to be lawyer. And I love you! But I don’t want you to pity me. I just want you to tell me that you don’t want this because *insert your reasons here* and then I can move on. I would not be going back and forth to you trying to find the answers. I think a bespren should be willing to do that. 

Could you do that soon? Soon enough before I really go loca and do stupid things? For old time sake. 

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