Actually, I am more scared than I am sick. My exam week experience should be the next blog in here but I think my computer is infected with virus I can’t risk connecting my tab here so that I can upload the pictures meant for that blog. Anyway, I think it is more current that I post here how I am today, sick.
When you’re struggling with bulimia, life is a constant battle between the desire to lose weight or stay thin and the overwhelming compulsion to binge eat.
Often, I ask myself, should I be announcing this in the whole world? Should I be telling this to anyone? I should not. But I am exploding inside and anytime I would be driving myself insane.
This thing is a constant battle. Every time I am stressed and I feel alone, I find myself getting depressed and over eating. Then I will get sad and binge. I have overcome this. I knew, I had. But as I have said, it is a constant battle.
Lately, I am having stomach aches that would not go away despite 1000mg of pain relievers. My Nanay wants me to go to the hospital for a check up. I said I don’t want to because I can still manage. Truth is, I am scared. Scared that I have the same illness that I had. And I am more scared that it actually cost me my health.
This thing is more than physical pain. The psychological and emotional that comes with it is far more alarming. If only I had been pretty and skinny, I would not have this problem. Maybe, I could be happy.
It is no excuse. But it is a choice, a choice I have to choose every time. I long for the day when I need not worry about life, my life. I long for the day when I need not worry for my tuition fee or I would not get envious of my roommates with their savings. I long for the day when somebody, anybody, would be there to take care of me. I long for the day when I only have to focus on my studying and not how I can survive my studying. I long for the day when I need to be this insecure girl who is sick. Longing.