It was a festive mood when I told my first (and only, so far) boyfriend that we had to break up. At that moment, I don’t have any concrete answer on why we should do that. I just knew that I had to. When I did that, we were already broken up but we still keep the
hope communication line open. Ours was not a perfect relationship. Truth be told, I do not have much memories of us looking after each other or supporting each other in the seven on and off years that we had been together. Maybe this is too much of a cliché but I needed to find myself again.
He was not the person I expected him to be but I loved him so the person he is did not matter. I accepted him and all the things that come with it, even if that means I accept him when he calls me fat, not beautiful and ambitious. At some point, I accepted him too much that I accepted the things he were saying to me as the truth. Until now, that is still how I see myself. So when we were already broken up but before my final decision to really break up, he was winning me back. He was telling the words I would have wanted to here when we were together. But those words did not matter at that point. I was too fat, too not beautiful and too ambitious to even stay.
I said goodbye to everything we had. I remember the boy but I never looked back.
I have always been so attached to my extended family. My cousins are my sisters and my brothers from different mothers. We do things together all the time: visita iglesia, videoke, birthdays, christmas eve, new year’s eve and the list could go on and on. So during a certain period of time when our family had a rift off, I was broken. Not even my tons of reading in law school could bring back my sanity. I lost myself. Again.
Things are better now but they are not as they were. Although most of the time I wish that I could go back to that one day and fix everything, I have learned to accept that there are things which need to happen. I may not know the reason behind it but in the end it will make me a better and stronger person.
I accepted the new set up that we have during family occasion. And accepting it is one of the best decision I ever made.
I am at this point when I already wish that I would die. Not in the melodramatic kind of I want to die. I just want everything to stop because I am not happy and I began questioning things which I should not be questioning. Why am I a working student again? Why do I have to pay for my bills? Why don’t the person I love, love me back? So many whys but there are no answers. I told my Nanay about how I am feeling. She told me that I should still be grateful because many people are less fortunate than I am. Those who experience Yolanda and those who do not have food to eat.
Believe me I know all of that and that I am thankful. I am thankful that I do not get to beg for food. I am thankful that I have my family who loves me and supports me in every way they can. I am thankful I am in law school and closer to becoming a lawyer. I am thankful I have a work I enjoy. I am thankful I have friends. I am thankful for everything I have. But I have to conquer the monster within me- envy.
My cousins have their own cars. Anne get to study Medicine full time. Ate don can travel whenever she wants. My law school best friends all have boyfriends. As for me, I have to work for everything I want to have. Every. Single. Thing. I have never experienced easy. I always get things from sweat and hard work. Maybe I am not envious, maybe I am just tired. I want to enjoy summer. I want to watch tv whole day. I want to sleep. I don’t want to worry for anything. I want to be a child. I want to be taken care of.
Right now, I don’t get to do any of that. I am stuck where I am and I have to fight this constant feeling of wanting to die. Yes this is childish but this is getting the better part of myself. So in my constant attempt to still be positive about everything, I chose to write this and remind myself that there were those times too, when I thought I was going to die but I did not. That this is all part of growing up.
I cannot just leave behind this life like what I did when I was sure that a relationship is not working out. I cannot just accept that this is the life for me because I am sure that when I do something about this, it will change. So what shall I do? I am totally surrendering everything to You. Your plans are way bigger than mine. That is the only thing I am holding on to.
I was brave. I became braver. Now, I will be the bravest.
*insert music here*