Goal: Indifference

Believe me, there was a million attempt not to write this entry. Writing this means that I was defeated by how I felt for you… again. There are many reasons why I do not want to entertain the thoughts of you again. For one, I am completely sure that I am over you, I am over whatever it is that I thought we had. Also, why should I waste energy typing and thinking words that would never fully describe my once crazy self? But you know, I have a few minutes and some energy to spare, so why not?

Since last week, I was going cray-cray again looking for answers for the questions I do not know how to ask. I messaged H, told her what I was going through. She told me that this is normal. Once in a while, you remember persons, feelings, and you would want to see them or you would seek answers for questions which are already answered but you would prefer to hear another one. And I think these are all true, two days or so, I totally forgot the longing to hear the answers for the questions I always wanted to ask you.

Today, I got a text from a very dear friend that she saw you. She described how you looked today. And she described you well. My heart skipped a beat just reading your name. This is not a good sign. Ugh! Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ang tanga mo, ang tanga-tanga mo.

The katangahan lasted for an hour or two then I recovered. You were again just somebody that I used to know. Somebody who made me happy smile when my whole world was falling apart. That was it. Maybe it will be like this my entire life whenever I’ll hear your name- my heart will stop for a second, there will be longing, then anger, then I’ll just forget it all over again. But I still pray for that day when I’ll read/hear your name and I will not feel anything, I will just be indifferent.

I may have been a step closer to being the superwoman I always wanted to be, but you… YOU. ARE. STILL. MY. KRYPTONITE.

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