My life is literally on halt since end of November. I went back to my old job, reconnected with old friends and stayed in touch with few people. Life for me is about taking leaps of faith, facing consequences of your decisions good or bad, and actually living the way you wanted it.
Yes, my entire life is not one for the books. It is not one would dream about. It is not dramatic enough for a telenovela nor it is adventurous enough to be wanted by millenials. But it has always been under my control. Of course, only those which can be humanly controlled. But the past months, I have not been making any decision. It is so bad I can’t even have a haircut (oh my!! On my first year in law school I have been cutting my hair like twice a week just because).
The people closest to my heart knows the reason why. I have been waiting for a life changing news for months now. And the agony of waiting is killing me to the bones. And I have never wanted to control something this bad in my entire existence.
Waiting has never been my strong point. Right now, I am getting wallowed up by all these things. But my faith in God and His grace is getting me through each day, each minute really.
For a long time, I am convinced that I will never fall in love again. I know that it doesn’t seem like it in my posts. I am always hopeful for a new beginning. But I know the difference between hoping and reality. I throw myself in a pit, a pit that I created. How I always believe that you only get one “one” and even if the “one” for that person is not you, still there is no chance of finding another one.
Most of my posts here talked about my struggles on how to move on from a certain person, a person that was never mine to start with. And yet, I gave the best love I am possible of giving to that person. It took me one year to accept it will never be, two years that there can never be and three years to let go of what could have been. But until now, that almost thingy we had was the deepest scar in my love battles.
“You would never give that same kind of love again. Never.” I commanded myself.
Sure, I would have crush on someone every now and then, but to actually fall for someone again? I guess not. I am in a pit. And since there is only one “one”, no one could save me from this pit. I am okay with this situation. I was okay with being alone. I was okay. Until one morning, I just realized that I do not need anyone dragging me out of the pit. I could easily climb my way out. So here I am, saying “Hi!” from outside the pit.
Maybe there are multiple ones. Maybe there is no such thing as same love. Maybe I can fall in love again. Maybe not. One thing is for sure though, I am ready to face the maybe. And that one who made me jump off the pit, he is just one of the ones, he was never “the one.”
Thought.isHe spends hours flirting with you — and then goes days without replying to your texts. He stares at you from across the room — and then he walks by without a glance in your direction. He makes you feel like it’s only a matter of time until he becomes your boyfriend — and then he makes you wonder…
via This Is What Mixed Signals Actually Mean (So You Can Quit Questioning How He Feels) — Thought Catalog
2016 was a year of checklist for me. Every month I tried to check one item in the list not realizing that the list just kept on getting longer. Funny, checking an item in a list always made me feel good, like a security blanket of sort. This time though, everything was different. It felt like I jumped into a pit hole, I was choking and grasping for air and before I knew it I was on the other end already. I got scars and bruises but hey I’m alive.
January: I got the sweetest 75 in my entire law school life. Dean A!!!
February: Turned down an out of the country office training, again.Setting priorities.
March: Last prelim exams in law school. Don’t know how I survived it with work and all.
April: Different kind of crazy. I was a bit hopeful.
May: Revalidone. Completed law school. Dean A and Dean D on my last two semesters. Wow!
June: Graduation day!Last month in the office. Crazier.
July-October: Will need a separate post. 🙂
November: The big B! An entirely new post, sa tamang panahon.
December: Decided to sign up again in the office.
I am heading on to the new year with a hopeful heart. 2017 will be a year of faith, my faith. That the all knowing God will be blessing me with my heart’s desire, of something beyond my imagining. 2016 is done, true, but it opened a lot of new beginnings for me.
Hey 2017, bring it on!
The biggest realization I had for this battle year is this- I do not know the person I have become.
For the longest time, I hate myself. I hate that I am morena, fat, big nose and every inch of my physical self. I hate every thing that I am. So I struggle to improve myself. The struggle is real.
I have done things I am not proud of. Things which I am sure my Nanay would be sad to know about. I have bended few principles I held on for so long. I forgot about certain things. For what? Just to feel accepted… loved… two things I cannot give myself.
Will I ever find myself back?
If I will, could I start accepting that self?
Exactly one week today since we talked about pretty much everything that worries me. None of those things is about you. Seriously, I have not worried about our friendship. I always thought that it is one of the best things I found in my five years of battle in that jungle.
I can’t remember when we became friends. I know for a fact that you were just one of those classmates I would barely talk to. Then, for some unknown reason, we had friendly talks, long viber conversations, rough banters, and real life stories. Is it just me? But I really, really, really thought we are friends.
I would not list down the things which made me think we are friends, the list could go on and on. But none of those things would matter if they mean nothing to you.
Why am I writing this blog about you? Maybe because I hate the you so much right now for making me feel like shit. C’mon, you don’t make your friends feel like this. Maybe because I thought you will be there until this war is really over, until the waiting game is over. Maybe because I developed this attachment with you, you were there for every petty problem I had for the past year (Gaaaaah!! you were the first one to tell me civ1 grades were out). Maybe because this is Kv2.0 minus the fact that I loved him and I can’t believe that I am in this situation again.
Maybe I just miss you. I miss my friend. I miss that person who listens to my non-sense. I miss our weird late night messages. I miss how I hate you for reminding me of the realities of what I just went through. Or maybe, I just miss you.
No expectations here. This is clearly platonic. Sorry if you got fed up with all my hang ups. You never planned to be my go to person, but I made you one. And for that I will forever be thankful. But no need to be my anything now, I just need that one message that all is good with you my friend. Then I would not need to blog anything about you.
We were just two of those people who were classmates. nothing more and nothing less.
Thank you for being with me during this time.
Ikaw na po ang bahala sa kung saan man ako magkulang, please.