Thought.isHe spends hours flirting with you — and then goes days without replying to your texts. He stares at you from across the room — and then he walks by without a glance in your direction. He makes you feel like it’s only a matter of time until he becomes your boyfriend — and then he makes you wonder…
2016 was a year of checklist for me. Every month I tried to check one item in the list not realizing that the list just kept on getting longer. Funny, checking an item in a list always made me feel good, like a security blanket of sort. This time though, everything was different. It felt like I jumped into a pit hole, I was choking and grasping for air and before I knew it I was on the other end already. I got scars and bruises but hey I’m alive.
January: I got the sweetest 75 in my entire law school life. Dean A!!!
February: Turned down an out of the country office training, again.Setting priorities.
March: Last prelim exams in law school. Don’t know how I survived it with work and all.
April: Different kind of crazy. I was a bit hopeful.
May: Revalidone. Completed law school. Dean A and Dean D on my last two semesters. Wow!
June: Graduation day!Last month in the office. Crazier.
July-October: Will need a separate post. 🙂
November: The big B! An entirely new post, sa tamang panahon.
December: Decided to sign up again in the office.
I am heading on to the new year with a hopeful heart. 2017 will be a year of faith, my faith. That the all knowing God will be blessing me with my heart’s desire, of something beyond my imagining. 2016 is done, true, but it opened a lot of new beginnings for me.
Hey 2017, bring it on!
The biggest realization I had for this battle year is this- I do not know the person I have become.
For the longest time, I hate myself. I hate that I am morena, fat, big nose and every inch of my physical self. I hate every thing that I am. So I struggle to improve myself. The struggle is real.
I have done things I am not proud of. Things which I am sure my Nanay would be sad to know about. I have bended few principles I held on for so long. I forgot about certain things. For what? Just to feel accepted… loved… two things I cannot give myself.
Will I ever find myself back?
If I will, could I start accepting that self?
Exactly one week today since we talked about pretty much everything that worries me. None of those things is about you. Seriously, I have not worried about our friendship. I always thought that it is one of the best things I found in my five years of battle in that jungle.
I can’t remember when we became friends. I know for a fact that you were just one of those classmates I would barely talk to. Then, for some unknown reason, we had friendly talks, long viber conversations, rough banters, and real life stories. Is it just me? But I really, really, really thought we are friends.
I would not list down the things which made me think we are friends, the list could go on and on. But none of those things would matter if they mean nothing to you.
Why am I writing this blog about you? Maybe because I hate the you so much right now for making me feel like shit. C’mon, you don’t make your friends feel like this. Maybe because I thought you will be there until this war is really over, until the waiting game is over. Maybe because I developed this attachment with you, you were there for every petty problem I had for the past year (Gaaaaah!! you were the first one to tell me civ1 grades were out). Maybe because this is Kv2.0 minus the fact that I loved him and I can’t believe that I am in this situation again.
Maybe I just miss you. I miss my friend. I miss that person who listens to my non-sense. I miss our weird late night messages. I miss how I hate you for reminding me of the realities of what I just went through. Or maybe, I just miss you.
No expectations here. This is clearly platonic. Sorry if you got fed up with all my hang ups. You never planned to be my go to person, but I made you one. And for that I will forever be thankful. But no need to be my anything now, I just need that one message that all is good with you my friend. Then I would not need to blog anything about you.
We were just two of those people who were classmates. nothing more and nothing less.
Thank you for being with me during this time.
Ikaw na po ang bahala sa kung saan man ako magkulang, please.
I wrote this sometime in July. Never planned to upload this during this difficult, difficult times. But sometimes, you need something to hold on to, right?
Dear go-to-person, yes, this is for you.
Because for now, I only write the life I cannot live.
Let’s meet after all this crazy is over, yes?
Hello the superwoman? I have not seen you in months. Maybe, one of the longest time that I find peace in not logging in, having real conversations and living life in my normal abnormal way.
I have survived the five years of battle. G day was over! There are a lot of thank yous that are still unsaid, appreciations which are kept and promises yet to be fulfilled. I always thought that bringing L, L and B together at the end of my name would be one of the sweetest ending I’ll ever experience, well for a moment it is, but the pressure that comes with it, killing me to the bones. I realized that what really counts is putting together A, T, T, Y, and period and the start of my name. Nevertheless, I could not thank God enough for the wonderful blessing and the unending grace He bestowed upon me. I have a whole page of thank you speech but I think that this is not yet the right time. But I am sharing this picture below, because I want to share the happiness I felt during this day.
Probably, if you are familiar to this kind of journey, you would know what would be the next battle that I have to face. I am getting ready for it. First, I left my job which I have learned to love. I am a full time tambay. Nah. I am a full time soldier getting ready for the war. Second, I have surrounded myself with the best support system. Most days of the week, I am home. It is a lot better here knowing that everyone trusts me and they are all willing to go to war with me.
Let me sideline a bit, when I was in that period before delibs results were posted, I was comforted by a friend. Same friend that I have mentioned in my post earlier this year. So this friend, I am very certain that we are just friends, from both ends of the equation. What is stupid is I made him my go to person during this time. That person you ask anything under the sun, even the silly, senseless questions. Weird because I started questioning what this is all about. There are hints, clues, answers, unspoken things, spoken things which are way too much to blog about, but never the things I was looking for. Why is he even mentioned here? Pffft. Right now, stop overthinking self. Or maybe everything he is doing is what K did too and I am thinking that I missed that. Again, stop overthinking self.
This will be the last time I am saying that out loud (out on world wide web). I need to focus my energy on the most important battle of this journey. Everyday, I am praying, praying really hard, that at the end of it all, I will be healthy, ready and worthy of it.